


Intentions

by mrbarbacarisi



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: 19x08, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Episode Tag, Episode: s19e08 Intent, F/M, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-07
Updated: 2017-12-07
Packaged: 2019-02-11 20:37:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12943368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrbarbacarisi/pseuds/mrbarbacarisi
Summary: Sonny had no idea why he did what he did.





	Intentions

**Author's Note:**

> I don't usually do episode tags but I couldn't deal with Sonny's characterization after he was rejected. This isn't my best work, but hope it helps.

Sonny wasn’t talking to Amanda. Not because he was upset she had turned him down or didn’t reciprocate. Because he hated himself.

He had cheated on Rafael. Or at least tried to. His relationship with the counselor was still pretty new. Not even a month old. He had been thrilled when Rafael said yes to dinner with him. Thrilled when he kissed him. Thrilled whenever he laid eyes on him.

But Sonny was still struggling. With his own identity. With his faith. He knew intellectually that being attracted to men wasn’t wrong. Rafael couldn’t be wrong when he was so perfect. But his emotions said differently.

He had been attracted to other men before. He had even experimented with some of them. But he had only seriously dated women. What he was trying to start with Rafael was completely new territory. And he was terrified.

Rafael had _years_ of experience over him. Sonny was afraid to make a wrong move and ruin everything. Ironic, right? He was so scared he’d fuck it up that he actually did. What was he doing flirting with Amanda? Trying to re-assert his masculinity? Since when had he been _that_ guy?

The whole thing was eating at him as they drove back to New York. Amanda logically assumed he was upset with her. He didn’t know how to explain that he wasn’t without outing himself. He was still finding his footing with Rafael. He didn’t need questions from the squad too. But he did need to focus back on his friendship with Amanda. Two relationships of his had been almost ruined by his drunken actions.

And then, Rafael was so _happy_ to see him. Bright and smiling in the bar. It was such a contrast to how tired and sad he had been in the weeks before they got together. In the face of it, Sonny just felt worse. 

That night, before they even had a chance to start in on dinner, Sonny gave a deep sigh. “Rafael, I fucked up.”

“What are you talking about?” Rafael looked up at him in confusion. That was probably warranted. They had barely been on two dates in two weeks. This would be the third. How could he have made a mistake already? Perfect Sonny wasn’t so perfect after all.

“I went to West Virginia with Amanda.”

“And how is that a problem?”

“We were a little tipsy and I tried to kiss her.”

“Tried?” Rafael was staring at him. Trying to hide how hurt he was. Sonny knew that. He knew him too well after years of working with him and pining over him. 

“She wasn’t interested. I don’t even know why I did it.”

“You’re the last person I expected to be a cheater. With Rollins of all people,” he scoffed.

“It wasn’t- I’m not. I’m sorry.” Sonny forced himself to maintain eye contact. It was the least Rafael deserved. “It’s no excuse, but I’ve just been out of sorts. First, Arielle. Then, you.”

Maybe heading straight into a relationship right after a bad break up had been a bad idea after all.

Rafael looked away from him and shook his head. “I don’t want to be your dirty little secret. I understand if you need time. But I don’t want to do this if both of us aren’t fully committed.”

“I know. I am so sorry. You have every right not to believe me, but I am one hundred percent committed. I really like you a lot. And I would like to stay, if you’ll have me.”

He gave a sad smile. “I appreciate you telling me about this outright. And I like you too. So against my better judgment, I’m going to let this slide.”

Sonny reached out and took Rafael’s hands in his. “I’ll spend every waking second making it up to you.”

He rolled his eyes. “That’s unrealistic. You still have a job to do.”

God. Sonny wanted to say it. He wanted to tell him. _I love you_. But he thankfully stopped himself. His rash emotions had gotten him into this mess in the first place. He didn’t want to throw in yet another complication.

Sonny would say those words when the time was right. In the meantime, he would enjoy what he had.


End file.
